Sir Richard, life is a game where the player must appear ridiculous.
Violet, The Dowager Countess

Actual Quotes from my Dad (An English Teacher)

  • Dad: Why the hell did you put a comma there?
  • Dad: Do you even know what a participial phrase is?
  • Dad: Omg. He's like my favorite character of all time.
  • Dad: Who should I dress up as for the movie premier?
  • Dad: Hey are you awak? I know it's late, but you read Animal Farm, right? Yeah. I need you to read this report. I can't tell if I am just super tired or if this is actual bullshit.
  • Dad: Alesha wouldn't be able to spell 'definitely' right if wrote it down for her. She would fucking erase it and then write 'defiantly', because she doesn't care. I hate her.
  • Dad: I need you to bake brownies. I lost a bet.
  • Dad: Omg. You cannot ship me with Gilcher. You know I don't like tattoos and he's like twenty-five. And for Christ's sake, he teaches math.
  • Dad: Omg. Gilcher said the funniest thing today.
  • Dad: Mrs. Ashworth and I have decided to start a band. It'll be called Great Expectations.
  • Dad: It's like you didn't read the fucking book.
  • Dad: Okay. So this week you're reading this book I stole from Mrs. Ashworth's. It's like sixty pages long, but you'll love it.
  • Dad: *puts books on my bed for me to read everyday and demands that I read them*
  • Dad: My son doesn't like reading. I have not only failed him, but society. You aren't my son. Leave.
  • Dad: Okay. So you're getting books for Christmas. All of you. I get discounts on them since I'm a teacher, and since I'm a teacher, it's all I can afford, so...
  • Dad: Fucking standardized testing can go fuck itself in the ass.
  • Dad: I have to teach for the required testing instead of what they really need to know.
  • Dad: Fuck the government.
  • Dad: Fuck the school board.
  • Dad: Close the door.
  • Dad: Charles Dickens was so fucking pretentious, and I hate him, but he also caused change, but he's such a Dick. Ha. DICKens.
  • Dad: I love puns.
  • Dad: People who say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor are assholes.
  • Dad: Please shut up.
  • Dad: Catching Fire was the worst book but the best movie and that feels weird.
  • Dad: I wouldn't get so mad when you call me at school if you didn't change your ringtones to inappropriate rap music.
  • Dad: I fucking hate Alesha. She asked what countries were apart of Austria-Hungary today and I almost told her to get out.
  • Dad: You cannot visit my school in a dress that short. There are boys there.
  • Dad: Barbra Parks is fucking Queen.
  • Dad: I need you to make me a good, relaxing playlist for silent reading. I'm too lazy.
  • Dad: If I have to watch two of my students grind on each other at one more dance, I will kill them both.
  • Dad: They act like I care what they think.
  • Dad: I hate homework.
  • Dad: I have decided to become a politician.
  • Dad: What's the one book with the guys and the one kills the other and the chick without a name who dies and the short angry man? Mouseman? Oh my fucking gosh. Of Mice and Men. I have failed.

rumbellehasthephonebox:

kittykitpanda:

rumbellehasthephonebox:

kittykitpanda:

Sirius Black high-fiving Lily Evans every time she raises her hand in class.

Sirius asking James to high five her when he is took sick to come to class.

Remus Lupin doing it with a sigh and an immediate apology when neither Sirius or James is available.

Peter being overly enthusiastic about being asked to do it, and slapping Lily in the face by accident.

(via angryabouttelevision)

YAY FOR MEDICINE THATS SUPPOSED TO HELP AND THEN SCREWS UP YOUR BODY EVEN MORE

"LOOK AT THE CAT"

me every time there is a cat regardless of the situation (via sail-across-the-universe)

(Source: spockular, via nickyplayspiccolo)

britneyspeares:

taylor swift could make a screamo album all in spanish and she’d still be categorized as a country artist

(Source: slutdad, via theregoesthebasilisk)

thatgryffinclawchick:

mamasam:

rewliescreech:

seriouslyneglectedblog:

So I just need to get this off my chest:
For me David Kawena from Lilo and Stitch is the ultimate Disney prince because he is there for Nani AND Lilo and even Stitch despite everything that’s going on in their lives. They’re going through some tough stuff. Their parents die and all of the sudden Nani has to be a mom to her sister who is socially awkward and depressed and that’s hard enough as it is and then she gets her this ‘dog’ and everything gets harder and even though she can’t return David’s feelings he’s still there for them through everything. Even aliens. He’s amazing. I was watching Lilo and Stitch with my niece the other day and I cried watching David go through it all. He is the perfect guy. Like I just get emotional thinking about him.
Imagine if you had someone like David in your life - male or female. You would feel like a prince/princess even if you were living with next to nothing.
David is the ultimate Disney prince - even though he isn’t a Disney prince. He should be considered one.
Disney rant - over.



Reminder that David:
-has no curse to break-does not have a deadline/ultimatum to find a wife-has no financial/social gain from being with Nani-is told 1/4 of the way into the movie that Nani is too busy to worry about dating him AND PROCEEDS TO BE HELPFUL AND SUPPORTIVE ANYWAY.
David’s not a Disney prince because he’s too fucking awesome for that title. 

AN ACTUAL NON-IRONIC,NON-SELF DESCRIBING NICE GUY. 
A PROPER HUMAN BEING. 

"Because you chose her." (X)

jamesandlilys:

"Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people’s business…" can we please talk about the fact that Moony was literally around the corner while the map was insulting Snape. And he 99.99999% knew it was going to happen and he probably laughed himself to sleep that night and whispered a thank you to James, Sirius, and Peter for thinking to put that wonderful little defense mechanism in.

(via meanandreal)

aaronerlandson:

thisisjusttosayihave:

-Guten taaaaaag!-Johannes Brahms?!

RAISIN BRAHMS